


Phan One-Shots

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Phan, Fluff, M/M, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Prepare for Pheels, Some real sad shit yo, wtf are these tags 0_0, you might cry tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6999367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a collection of Phan one-shots. Most of them sad, like 2 of them are fluff. Mostly based off of songs- if you have a request, let me know (no smut, though)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Next To You- Dan's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Next To Me" by Maplehurst- it's a cute song, you should look it up~

I woke up to the smell of coffee, which was unusual, considering my husband, Phil, is the only other person in the house who makes coffee. I must have slept in late, considering Phil and I usually wake up within minutes of each other, which is not enough time to make a pot of coffee. I stretch out, confirming that Phil is not laying next to me. That's when I hear the sound of someone turning the handle to our bedroom.

"Dan?" I hear Phil whisper. I immediately close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Phil is one of two people I like to wake me up in the mornings. "Dan? Are you awake?" he asks, shaking my shoulder gently. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling, but a smile still creeps across my face. "Dan, open your eyes. I know you're awake."

I let my smile overtake my face and open my eyes to be rewarded with Phil's gorgeous blue eyes looking into mine. He was sitting on the floor in front of me, with the biggest, most adorable grin on his face. "Happy three-year anniversary." He kisses my cheek. "I'm making you breakfast, so get up when you're ready." Phil then gets up and walks out of our room.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed, grab a t-shirt, and walk into our kitchen. As soon as I walk out of my room, I hear the patter of feet on our wood floor and the sound of a four-year-old's voice. "Daddy Dan!" Our adopted son, James, runs towards me. I pick him up and twirl him around, while James squealing with joy. 

James hugs me around the neck as I hold him. "Daddy Philly told me that it's your ani-ani-anniversity." I smile. "Ann-i-ver-sery." I say slowly to help James understand how to pronounce it. 

"Ann-i-ver-sity." He pronounces back to me. I laugh- I love the way James mispronounces words. "Do you know how many years me and Daddy Philly have been married?" I hold up one finger. "One." James mimics me. "One." he says in his adorable voice.

I hold up another finger. "Two." I say. James again mimics me. I hold up my thumb to make a three with my hand. "Three. Three years." James giggles. "Three years! That's almost as old as me! And you made me family, one, two years ago!" He holds up one finger, then two fingers. 

"That's right!" I say. Phil walks over. "James, Daddy Dan and I are going to have breakfast. Do you want to go play with your new toys I got you?"

"Yeah!" James says. He kisses me on the cheek before whispering in my ear, "I love you, Daddy." I put James down and he runs to his room, closing the door gently. I look at Phil. "New toys?"

"Yeah, I got him one of those Pokemon action figure sets he likes so much. I figured if we want to have some time alone together today I would get James a little something." I smile at Phil. He was hesitant at adopting a kid at first, thinking that maybe he wouldn't be a good dad. I told him he would be, and I was right.

We walked into the kitchen, where I smelled coffee and bacon cooking. Phil's blue eyes sparkled as he grabbed me around the waist, one hand pushing my fringe out of my face. "I love you, Daniel Howell Lester." I smiled, cupping his cheek in in my hand. "I love you, Philip Lester." We both leaned in at the same time, sharing a long kiss. 

As soon as we broke away, I saw smoke coming out of the oven. "Um, Phil? Were you baking something?" Phil turned around, eyes wide. "Oooh shit. The muffins!" Phil ran to pull on oven mitts before opening the oven. He pulled out steaming, completely black muffins and dropped them on the counter. "Oh, Dan. I was trying to make you your favorite muffins, and I messed them up."

Phil looked at me sadly, genuinely disappointed by his burnt muffins. I kissed him on the forehead. "It's okay, Phil. They're just muffins. Maybe Dil will eat them." I grabbed a burnt muffin and broke it in half. "Come here, Dil!" I shouted. Our Pomeranian puppy bounded into the kitchen, tail wagging. I threw him a muffin half, and he ate it greedily before looking at me, head cocked to one side as if to say, Can I have the other half? I know there's another half. I laughed and threw him the other half.

Phil and I then sat down to have breakfast, and once we were finished, I put our dishes away and turned on the Pandora on my phone. "Phil, I have a surprise for you tonight. Can you be ready by six? I hired a babysitter, so we have the night for ourselves." 

Phil smiled and nodded his head. "Of course! Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise, Phil. I can't tell you- hey! Our song is playing!" I yelled as I turned up the volume on the Pandora. I grabbed Phil's hand and pulled him up out of his chair. We danced around the kitchen, hand in hand, our eyes locked on each other. God, Phil's eyes are so beautiful.

~Later that night~

I knocked on the bathroom door. "Phil, are you ready?" I asked. "Yep." he responded, and came out of the bathroom. My jaw dropped. His black hair and perfectly done, and he was wearing a button up with a red tie, black pants, and my favorite shoes that he owns. He spun around in a circle. "How do I look?"

"Perfect." I grabbed his hand. "You look incredible yourself." Phil said. I was wearing a white button up with a black tie, a leather jacket, and black pants. We walked into the lounge and told the babysitter, who had just arrived, that we were leaving and we would be back by ten. 

I called a cab, opened the door for Phil, then climbed in myself. When we arrived at the nicest restaurant in London, Phil grabbed my hand. "Dan, this is so nice!" I grinned. "It gets better. Just you wait." 

We walked into the restaurant, telling the waiter my name. He led us back to private party room I had rented. There was a bottle of wine on the table, along with candles. I pulled out Phil's seat before sitting in my own. Phil's eyes were filled with tears. "Dan, this is just, it's- I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything, Phil. I love you, and this is the least I could do for someone who has changed my life in the way you have. You are everything to me." 

We enjoyed an incredible dinner, and we walked out hand in hand, before I led him to a park. We laid on the ground, gazing at the stars, cuddled with each other. Every little while, Phil would lean over to kiss me, then we would go back to looking at the sky together. At 9:45, I got up, holding out my hand to help Phil up. "I hate to say this, but our night has come to an end. We can't leave the babysitter at our house all night." Phil sighed, a content, happy sigh, and got up. 

We caught a cab and when we arrived home, we paid and thanked the babysitter. We both walked into James' room, where he was fast asleep, cuddling his Totoro stuffed animal. Phil and I leaned, over, kissing his forehead and whispering goodnight. 

When we finally got into bed, I was exhausted. "I love you, Dan. Happy anniversary." I heard Phil whisper before his breathing became even. "I love you, Phil. Happy three-year anniversary." I whispered back before I feel into a deep, peaceful sleep.


	2. XO- Phil's POV

~This one's based off of the song "XO" originally by Beyonce, but give the cover by John Mayer a listen! It's my preferred version. This one is going to get sad. Be warned.~

In the darkest night hour   
I'll search through the crowd   
Your face is all that I see 

I remember when we when we first met. My university friends had dragged me to a night club, and I was standing by myself, awkwardly bobbing my head up and down. It was nearing midnight, and I just wanted to leave, but my friends were still enjoying themselves. I decided to join the masses who were dancing, and I saw you through the crowd. 

You were kind of awkward like me, but you were trying to enjoy yourself. I couldn't stop staring at you. You were so beautiful, with your dark brown eyes and perfect brown fringe. I finally got up the courage to walk over and introduce myself.

"Um, hello!" I yelled over the music. "I'm Phil! Would you, erm, like to dance?"

You smiled at me. "Hi, Phil! I'm Dan! I saw you earlier, and I was hoping you would ask."

We danced together for the rest of the night, and we exchanged numbers. We wouldn't stop texting each other, and eventually you asked me on a date. We had the greatest time, and it was there we kissed for the first time. I knew right there and then, that you were the one for me. 

We don't have forever  
Ooh, baby daylight's wasting   
You better kiss me   
Before our time has run out 

 

We had been together for four years, and I realized that I had to do it. You were everything to me, all I had ever wanted in life. My everything. I was so scared, though. What if you rejected? What if you weren't ready? But I realized that the day was ending, and I had to just go for it.

We were strolling the streets of London, and we went to our favorite park. The one where we would always sit and watch the sun set. You were chattering happily as we sat on the bench we always sat on. While you were distracted, I got down on one knee. When you noticed, I saw the tears in your eyes.

"Daniel Howell, I love you so much. You are my everything. Will you marry me?"

You nodded, barely able to speak as I slid the ring on your finger. We locked eyes, and then you said, "Well, Phil, you just proposed. You'd better kiss me right now."

We locked lips, and I slid my hands into your hair. Sure, some people gave disapproving looks, but we didn't care. All we knew, is that we were passionately in love, and nothing could change that.

I'll give you everything  
Baby, love me lights out  
Baby, love me lights out

The night of our wedding, we entered our apartment. I smiled at you, and you smiled back, both of us knowing what we were about to do. You kissed me gently on the lips, and then whispered in my ear, "I love you, Phil. I will give you all of me. Every bit of me. You are all I have ever wanted in my life."

I smiled and whispered back to you, "And I will give you all of me. I love you, too, Dan. More than you will ever know."

I love you like XO  
You love me like XO  
You kill me boy XO  
You love me like XO  
All that I see 

 

It's been six months since we said I do, and I still love you as much as I did when we first fell in love. I was going to enjoy a holiday with my family in Florida. We stood at security, me not wanting to get on the plane, and you not wanting to leave me. I hugged you and said, "I love you, Dan. You are the only one for me. I'll be back in a week, not long at all."

You kissed me on the cheek. "I know, I love you, too. I just hate being away from you, no matter how short. Promise you'll come home safely."

"I promise." I whispered, before kissing you. We pulled away, and I made my way through security, waving to you as I went through. We kept waving until I couldn't see you anymore. 

When I was about to get on the plane, I texted you. Getting on the plane now. Love you, Dan. You texted back immediately, saying, Love you, too, Philly. Have a safe flight. 

 

In the darkest night hour   
I'll search through the crowd   
Your face is all that I see  
I'll give you everything  
Baby, love me lights out  
Baby, love me lights out  
You can turn my lights out 

I looked out the window of the plane to see the night sky, and I thought of you. Of the night we met. We had a lot of turbulence, but I didn't give it any thought. 

"Attention, passengers. I'm sorry to say, but we have experienced a serious malfunction. We are currently flying over the ocean. There is not much we can do, I'm sorry."

I sit in shock, not sure how to respond to the announcement. My only thought is I can't keep my promise to Dan. 

All I can think of is your face. Of how we met, of our first date, of the look on your face when I proposed. The lights on the plane go out, and people start panicking. I take out my phone and call you.

"Phil? Aren't you on the plane?"

"Dan, the plane's malfunctioning. There's-there's nothing they can do."

"NO PHIL. PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING!!" I can hear the tears in your voice.

"No, Dan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't keep my promise to you. I love you more than I can say. I will love you forever, in whatever comes after this life."

"I love you, too, Phil. I don't know how I'll survive without you. Please, stay with me on the phone until- it happens."

"I will. Promise me, something Dan. Promise you'll live after all of this. That you will live your life to the fullest."

"I promise."

We talk until I feel it. I feel the plane going down, I feel the sharp descent.

"Dan. The plane's going down. I love you! I love you! I love you! Don't ever forget that! Don't forget your promise. I love you, Daniel Lester."

"I promise. I love you, Philip Lester."

~Dan's POV~

All I hear is a loud noise, then silence. I sit on our bed, sobbing. I look through my phone at pictures of us. Pictures over the last years of our lives that were intertwined. I remember the last words you said to me. 

"I love you, Daniel Lester."


	3. Gasoline- Phil's POV

~This one-shot is based off of the song "Gasoline" by Halsey. I wanted to explain a bit for this one- I'm doing it from Phil's POV, and this song may seem a bit dark for Phil. My idea, though, was what if Phil became more famous and more well known than he currently is, and what if he just broke? But he couldn't escape the spotlight, even though he wanted to, and he feels like he's no longer human, but just going through the motions like a machine. Hope you enjoy~

 

Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me?  
Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?  
Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?  
Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?

 

The fame. The adoring fans, and pictures, the news articles. It's always been so intoxicating.

But before, it was a good feeling.

But now, it's the worst kind of intoxication.

It's the rumors.

The psychotic fans. 

The people who treat me like I'm not even human, but an object to be worshiped, to gawk at.

It's taken it's toll.

I started drinking to chase it away, to ease my thoughts. I spent my days in a drunken haze, and it was a horrible cycle; drunk, then hungover. A couple hours of being sober. Repeat. 

Dan tried to help me. He got me into a rehab, took me to support groups, therapists.

I always found a way to return to the cycle.

Dan left me, because he could no longer take the pressure of caring for an alcoholic.

I kept going through the cycle, hoping it would help this time around, instead of making me feel worse and worse about myself. I think that's the definition of insanity- doing the same thing, expecting different results. If that's true, than I am no longer sane.

My apartment is a mess. Unpaid bills litter the kitchen counters. Dishes in the sink. Clothes all over the floor.

Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me?  
Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?  
Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me?  
Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?

Some of my newer friends tried to give me drugs, said it would numb it all, but I declined.

I'm fucking Phil Lester.

I live on the high that my name gives me.

Despite the pain I feel, every week I clean up a little, and I film a video. I upload it. I never read the comments anymore.

Whenever I go out into London, there's a mix of reactions. Some are girls running up to me, asking for a picture, but I'm always rude to them. 

I say no.

I walk away.

Or I hear the things people whisper, things they think I can't hear.

It's a shame Phil's the way he is now, he used to be such a sweetheart. 

I met Phil once, you know, when he was still friends with Dan. He was so nice. 

I can't believe he's screwed up his life like he has. Celebrities are all the same; they start off fine, but then they become a horrible mess. 

I heard he's a major alcoholic now. 

I ignore them. 

And all the people say,

"You can't wake up, this is not a dream,  
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,  
With your face all made up, living on a screen,  
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline." 

I wish I could escape this life. I wish I could wake up and find myself back in the life I used to have. With Dan. And the me I was before I changed.

I don't even feel human anymore, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Filming videos. Doing interviews, going to conventions. Because I have to. 

On the screen, I look perfect. I look like I live the ideal life, I look like I'm happy.

But I'm not.

I feel like a worthless person.

Like I'm nothing.

But the fame.

It's my drug, and I can't escape it.

No matter how much I want to.

 

I think there's a flaw in my code,

These voices won't leave me alone,

Well my heart is gold, and my hands are cold

There's something wrong with me. 

The people, the fans, the managers, they won't leave me alone. They won't let me be.

I've been told that I have a "good heart" that I'm naturally a good person. But I don't feel it anymore.

I have become so cold.

Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me?  
Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?  
Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?  
Pointing fingers cause you'll never take the blame like me?

I've always been strange. One of the most quoted things I've said is, "Normalness leads to sadness."

But now

I'm strange, no longer in a good way.

I always blame other people for how I feel. 

I say, it's my manager's faults; they are the ones who pushed me to make more videos, which helped make me snap.

I say, it's my fan's faults; they are the ones who caused me to become more famous, they are the ones try and talk to me and treat me like an animal.

I say, it's Dan's fault; he left me, he's the one who caused me to spiral father down.

Deep down, I know it's my fault.

But I will never admit it. 

It's someone else's fault.

And all the people say,

"You can't wake up, this is not a dream,  
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being,  
With your face all made up, living on a screen,  
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline."

I

just

want

to 

wake

up.

I want to find that this can all be over.

I want to feel alive again.

Normal.

Not the fake person my fans falsely look up to.

I want to feel good about myself again.

I think there's a flaw in my code

I am messed up.

These voices won't leave me alone 

The voices in my head, they tell me I'm worthless trash. That I am unworthy of all I have.

Well my heart is gold, and my hands are cold. 

They say I have a good heart.

But all I feel

is the pain

of addiction

of anger

of depression

of my coldness.


	4. Tongue Tied- Phil's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove. Enjoy~ 

Take me to your best friend's house  
Go around this roundabout 

I was waiting at the station, for the train to come in. Any minute now, the train would come in. Any minute now, I would be meeting Dan for the first time in real life.

After all of the Skype calls, and Twitter chats, and YouTube comments, we were finally meeting in real life.

I watched as the train pulled in, and as the people piled out. I craned my neck, searching for Dan. After a minute of searching, I saw him- he looked lost and slightly scared. I ran over to him, all while yelling to get his attention.

"DAN! DAN DAN DAN! DAN!"

Dan turned around and saw me running towards him. "PHIL! OH MY GOD, PHIL!" He practically picked me up off the ground as he hugged me. "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY FUCKING MEETING YOU!"

I laughed, hugging him back. I knew then that we were definitely going to be best friends. Forever.

We got a taxi, and we went back my house, and I gave him a small tour of my home town through the window of the taxi. 

Dan stayed for a couple days, during which we just hung out, getting to know each other in a different way, because people in real life are different than online. Then it was time for Dan to return home. 

Don't take me tongue tied  
Don't wave no goodbye 

I took Dan back to the station so he could catch a train back to his home, and I was so upset. I didn't want to say goodbye to him, yet. I didn't want to say goodbye, ever. I hugged him just before he got on the train and told him, "Don't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye."

I pulled back and smiled at him. "See you later, Dan."

"See you later, Phil."

I watched as Dan boarded the train, and I watched as the train left, and Dan got smaller and smaller until I could no longer see him.

 

Take me to your best friend's house  
Marmalade we're making out 

Not long after that, Dan came to visit me again. This time we filmed a couple of videos, including the first ever Phil Is Not On Fire.

We loved being together, and I loved everything about Dan. I loved his brown eyes. His laugh. I loved the voice that he called a "Winnie the Pooh- I mean posh" voice. 

At the end of our Phil Is Not On Fire, I summoned 30 seconds of courage. I tackled him when we were done filming.

Dan laughed and looked at me with his gorgeous eyes. "Phil, what're you doing?"

I just pressed my lips to his, and, to my surprise, he kissed me back. 

I felt like I was floating.

 

Don't take me tongue tied  
Don't wave no goodbye 

The next day, Dan had to leave again. And once again, I told him not to say goodbye.

"See you later, Dan."

"See you later, Phil."

Dan came and visited me a couple of times after that, each time we never said goodbye, because neither of us could bare it. 

Finally, we decided to move in together. We bought a flat in Manchester, and we spent an entire weekend moving everything in. 

 

Don't leave me tongue tied  
Let's stay up all night  
I'll get real high  
Slumber party; pillow fight  
My eyes on your eyes  
Like Peter Pan up in the sky  
My best friend's house tonight  
Let's bump the beats till beddy-bye 

The night when we officially moved in after all of our stuff was in, we stayed up the entire night together. We talked, and laughed, and watched movies.

We were exhausted, the kind of tired where we were laughing at everything, acting ridiculous. We were sitting on the sofa when Dan grabbed one of the throw pillows and whacked me with it. 

"Pillow fight!" He yelled, hitting me again.

I laughed and grabbed another pillow. "You're going down, Danny boy!"

We acted like little kids, laughing and squealing, and running around the flat. Finally we both flopped down on the floor, breathing heavily from chasing each other around. I turned my head to look at Dan, and saw that he was looking at me, his brown eyes on my blue eyes. 

He smiled, and pulled me closer to him. We feel asleep on the floor; my head on his chest, his arm around me. 

 

Don't take me tongue tied  
Don't wave no goodbye 

Usually whenever we went on trips, we went together, but I was being sent on a European meet up adventure, and Dan wasn't allowed to come along. 

We were at the airport, and I was hugging him, just in front of security, where I would have to go in alone. 

"See you later, Dan."

"See you later, Phil."

 

Take me to your best friend's house  
I loved you then and I love you now 

We moved to London soon after that, after we got offered a show at BBC Radio 1. We loved our new flat, and the city.

Things picked up for us.

Our subscriber counts soared.

Our radio show was a success. 

We even got to have cameo rolls in a Disney movie!

We even wrote a book, but part way through the book, we decided that we should go to Japan. Because, why the hell not?

Before we went, I went and I bought a ring. I wanted to propose to Dan, because I knew that I couldn't live without him. 

Not long after we decided to go to Japan, we got on a plane, and were on our way.

It was beautiful there. We spent so much money on anime merchandise, and Pokemon stuff we didn't need but absolutely wanted.

On one of our days in Japan, we went to go see cherry blossom trees, which were in bloom. It was there that I decided to propose.

Dan was laughing and taking pictures with the cherry blossoms, when I went up to him. "Dan."

Dan turned around to ask what I needed, and I was down on one knee. "Dan, I love you. So much. I've always loved you. I loved you when we first met, and I love you now. Will you marry me?"

Dan was able to choke out the word, "Yes," through his tears, and hugged me. The people there clapped. 

My fiance.

My best friend.

Forever. 

 

Don't leave me tongue tied  
Don't wave no goodbye  
Don't leave me tongue tied  
Don't... 

I held Dan's hand, as he sat in the hospital bed. I looked around the room, trying not to cry. We had only been married for a year when the cancer attacked my beautiful Dan's body.

It was aggressive, and no treatment could cure it.

And now, a year and a half later, this was it.

Dan turned his head to look at me, and I was still mesmerized by his eyes, as weak and dull as they were. 

"Don't say goodbye, Dan." I whispered through my tears. "I don't ever want to say goodbye."

Dan gave a weak smile. "Then see you later, Phil."

"See you later, Dan."


	5. Nana- Dan's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Nana" by The 1975. It's an AU featuring a Musician! Dan. Enjoy!~

I wish you'd walk in again  
Imagine if you just did  
I'd fill you in on the things you missed

I sit on the sofa, watching a movie, thinking about you again. It's been a year today, but the pain hasn't gone away- the burning pain has only faded into a dull ache that I'm used to living with.

I think about my life over the past year, and everything that has happened. How my music career has taken off, and I'm on the verge of a record deal.

You'd be so proud.

I wish you would just walk in the flat, yelling that it was just a prank, that you were alive. That it was like Sherlock, that you faked it all.

The anger I would feel that it was a cruel prank would be nothing compared to the joy of seeing you again.

I think I would yell, I'd say, "What the hell is wrong with you, Phil?" Then I'd cry, and hold you close. "Don't ever, ever, ever do anything like that again." I would say. Then I would laugh and say, "You really got me Phil, you little shit."

I don't like it, now you're dead  
It's not the same when I scratch my own head  
I haven't got the nails for it  
And I know that God doesn't exist  
And all of the palaver surrounding it  
But I like to think you hear me sometimes

The thought that you, my lion, my happy little Phil, is dead is the worst thought. Nothing's the same anymore, without you.

Waking up isn't the same, because I know that I won't wake up to you.

Making meals isn't the same, because I only have to cook for one now.

Showering isn't the same, because I no longer hear you yelling at me to hurry up, or getting frustrated that I used half of the shower gel.

Cleaning isn't the same, because I don't have to clean up the messes you made.

God, I even miss cleaning up the coffee you always left on the counter.

I've never really believed in God, or an afterlife, but I still talk to you, thinking that maybe you're floating around somewhere, and you can hear me.

It's a nice thought, in this dark cloud I live in.

Always trying to keep warm, when you're the sun 

Science shows us that if there was no sun, the Earth would would be cold and barren, with no life.

You were my sun.

I am the Earth.

I sat with you beside your bed and cried  
For things that I wish I'd said

I held your hand as you sunk into unconsciousness. I was angry at the idiot who was drunk driving, who hit the taxi you were riding in. But most of all, I was upset because my sun was losing his light.

When I heard the steady beep of the heart monitor, telling me that your heart was no longer beating, I allowed myself to lose control of my emotions.

I cried.

I wailed.

I held your lifeless hand to my face, wishing your fingers would interlock with my own.

There were so many things I wish I would have said. You knew I loved you, but I wish I could have expressed to you how much I truly loved you.

All of the things I never said.

The things I will never get the chance to say.

I got my pen and thought that I'd write  
A melody and line for you tonight  
I think that's how I make things feel alright

So tonight, on the one year mark of your passing, I write a new song.

About the short life we got together.

About how you're gone now.

I think it makes things better, writing about it. Writing music, it's always been how I get out my emotions.

Made in my room, this simple tune  
Will always keep me close to you  
The crowds will sing their voices ring  
And it's like you never left

And now, months later, this song, it's what got me where I am. The record deal, it was sealed when they heard this song about you.

I always knew you would help me reach my dreams.

It strange to think, this simple song that I wrote in my pain is what changed it all.

There's something special, playing it at shows. Hundreds, thousands of people singing along.

I think you would be proud.

It's my tribute to you, Phil.

So.

Thank you.


	6. Light- Dan's POV

~This one's based off of the song "Light" by Sleeping at Last. What a beautiful song, oml. Enjoy~

May these words be the first  
To find your ears.  
The world is brighter than the sun  
Now that you're here.  
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust  
To the overwhelming light surrounding us

"Phil?" I whispered as you stirred, hoping that this time, your eyes would flutter open.

No such luck.

Every time you moved at all, any time your finger twitched, your head moved even a centimeter, I whispered your name. 

When you wake up from this coma which has had you trapped for the last month, I didn't want you to hear the voices of nurses and doctors, I wanted you to hear me. I wanted you to hear your name said by someone who loves you more than life itself. 

I stayed at the hospital every single day- I'm was there as soon as the visiting hours start, and I left only when I'm kicked out. The nurses had come to know me well, and took care of me almost as much as they cared for you; they brought me food, made sure I got sleep.

Our subscribers had been worried; they know what happened, and they always tweeted me, asking how you are. They were truly wonderful through the hell it had all been. At one point, three hundred of them got together in America, and filmed a whole special video for us, saying that they hope you get better. 

A little over a month after the accident, I held your hand in mine, tracing circles on your hand with my thumb. Then I felt it.

Your hand squeezed mine.

"Phil?" I said quietly, hoping against all hope.

"D-Dan?" you said weakly. 

I cried and held your hand to my face, "Phil, Phil, Philly, you're awake. You're finally awake. I love you, I love you so much." 

My sun, the light in my life. You've finally awoken and ended what seemed like endless night. (oml what a cheesy, cliche line)

 

I'll give you everything I have.  
I'll teach you everything I know.  
I promise I'll do better. 

Shortly after you woke up, though, everyone realized that something was wrong. 

"Our subscribers will be so happy to hear that you're awake and alive!" I said excitedly a week after you had woken up.

"Who?" you had asked. 

How could you not remember? You had loved them, how could you not know our subscribers? 

"Our subscribers, Phil. Our fans, from our YouTube channels?"

"We have YouTube channels?" You looked genuinely confused. 

After talking with a doctor, I was told that you had suffered memory loss from the impact of the accident. It was a mystery why you remembered me, but you did, and we didn't question it. 

"Phil is going to be like a child," the doctor had told me. "He doesn't remember anything. You're going to have to re-teach him, almost. Are you sure you can do it on your own?"

I nodded my head, determined. "Of course I can. He's Phil, we've been through everything together. We're going to go through this together, too."

I'll teach you everything you need to know, Phil. About our life, about the things you love. 

Sometimes the things I know and remind you of, it's not enough. 

I'm sorry, Phil. I'll do better.

 

I will always hold you close,  
But I will learn to let you go.  
I promise I'll do better. 

When you got angry because you couldn't remember, but you wanted to remember, I would hold you and let you cry.

I never pushed you further than you could go.

But some days you would get mad and say that you could do it on your own, that you didn't need me, "constantly holding me, like I'm just a child."

I'm sorry, Phil. I'll do better. 

 

I will soften every edge,  
I'll hold the world to its best,  
And I'll do better. 

I remind you of all the good things we've accomplished. Of all of the happiness we've had together. 

Sometimes you ask about things, and it hurts to tell you the truth, so I try to soften the blow of it. 

"Dan, why are all of these people sending me mean comments? Who are these people?" You asked one day, after I had showed you your YouTube channel. You had scrolled into the comments.

I explained to you for what seemed like the hundredth time. "Phil, a lot of people love you and your videos. But some people send you mean things, trying to hurt you. But you've never let it get to you, you've always just ignored them."

"Why do you let them?" Phil asked me, breaking my heart.

"I can't do anything to stop them, Philly. I wish I could."

I'm sorry, Phil. I'll do better.

 

With every heartbeat I have left  
I will defend your every breath,  
And I'll do better. 

We went out into the city for the first time in three months, because you wanted to get out of the flat. As we were walking into one shop, I heard someone scoff at us. "Oh, look. It's AmazingPhil, not so amazing anymore with your 'memory loss.' Probably didn't care about us anymore and wanted to quit."

Before I knew what I was doing, my fist swung out and collided with the idiot who had made the comment. I looked to see a 20-something year old boy holding his hand over his face. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" He demanded.

I ignored him and walked away, guilt eating at me. I felt a tug on my arm.

"Dan, Dan, why did you do that?" I saw Phil's blue eyes filling with tears. "I don't care what he said. You told me that I always shrugged it off. Don't hurt people like that, please."

"B-but I just want to defend you." I responded. "People shouldn't be like that-

I'm sorry, Phil. I'll do better."

 

'Cause you are loved.  
You are loved more than you know.  
I hereby pledge all of my days  
To prove it so.  
Though your heart is far too young to realize  
The unimaginable light you hold inside.

People kept sending things in on social media. Wishes for Phil to get better. Pictures of get well cards they had made. Videos of what Phil had meant to them. Also some people had said that they hoped I was okay, going through it all.

I showed everything to Phil. "Phil, all these people love you, no matter what. I love you. Your family loves you."

"But I'm such a burden!" You had cried. "I'm like a toddler, I can't remember anything. Why can't I remember?"

I knew, I had to work harder to make sure that you know that you are loved. I will prove it, I will show you, that you are loved so much more than you can imagine.

You have the best heart of anyone I have ever known, Phil. I believe that there is a place inside of you, that once you can tap into it, you will remember everything. 

You have such a beautiful light inside of you, Phil. And I will help you keep searching for that light to make it brighter. 

 

I'll give you everything I have.  
I'll teach you everything I know.  
I promise I'll do better. 

Slowly, but surely, you started remembering. Small things. 

Phil, I think I'm doing better.

 

I will always hold you close,  
But I will learn to let you go.  
I promise I'll do better. 

I realize that I can't keep you with me always, that you are an adult. You have to do things on your own, no matter how much I just want to hold you and keep you close to me at all times.

Phil, I think I'm doing better.

 

I will rearrange the stars,  
Pull 'em down to where you are.  
I promise, I'll do better. 

I will do anything for you, Phil. I would pull down every star in the sky if that's what it would take for you to remember. Anything for you, my love.

Phil, I think I'm doing better.

 

With every heartbeat I have left,  
I'll defend your every breath.  
I promise I'll do better. 

I will defend you, always. With everything inside of me, with all of the life left in this body of mine, I will do what I can.

Phil, I think I'm doing better.

 

I will soften every edge,  
Hold the world to its best.  
I promise I'll do better. 

I will show you the best in everything. 

Phil, I think I'm doing better.

 

With every heartbeat I have left, 

With everything inside of me, Phil...

I'll defend your every breath, 

I will fight for you.

For you.

For your memory.

For us.

For our love.

However long it takes.

 

I'll do better.


	7. Somewhere Only We Know- Phil's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. This song always makes me think of Dan, mainly because it was in the trailer for the Winnie the Pooh movie that came out a couple years ago. Enjoy~

I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river and it made me complete 

I walk through the woods, taking in the still emptiness. I know exactly where I'm going; every twist, every turn, every tree. I could walk this path with my eyes closed. After I come past a certain point, I take my shoes and socks off, and hold them in my hands, knowing that the path was smooth from here on.

We used to always do this when we were kids, remember?

I take in the feeling of the cool forest ground on my feet; it's just the beginning of fall, and the weather is getting cooler now. The leaves are shades of red and orange and yellow, littering the ground. 

I look behind me to see that you're following, also holding your shoes in your hands.

You still remember.

I sit down by the river we would always sit by, laughing, watching turtles and fish as they would swim by. In the winter we would even see the occasional otter. (on a side note, this could definitely happen, as we get river otters in the creek in my backyard in the winter)

As we sit by the river, memories come over me. Memories of when we were kids and we would come and explore these woods; it was our secret place. Memories of us as teenagers. 

Memories of when you were happy.

Memories of when you laughed.

When you smiled.

When you spoke to me freely.

 

Oh simple thing where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin 

We're 25 now, and it's been 7 years since we were last here, just before we left for uni. It's been a year since we've talked- really talked. I noticed a year ago that the light in your eyes went out. What happened?

You always shrug it off. 

"Nothing's wrong- I'm fine, Phil." You said at first.

"Phil, stop asking." You started saying after a while.

"Stop trying to pry into my life, Phil! I'm fine!" You now yell when I try to ask what's wrong.

Why won't you let me in, Dan?

Did I do something wrong?

I'm your best friend, your boyfriend. We're supposed to tell each other everything, right?

Its started to exhaust me. I worry about you all the time. It's all I think about- what I could do to bring the light back in your eyes. The smile back to your face. There's nothing I wouldn't give to hear your laugh again.

 

I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? 

We get up and keep walking. I reach out to take your hand, but you pull it away.

My heart breaks a little more.

I see a tree trunk sitting on the ground. It looks familiar, is it....

It is. The place we sat when we had our first kiss. Where we would talk about anything and everything. 

Seeing this place again, it feels like a dream. Our first kiss- it all feels like it was a dream, or a film I watched. 

I sit down and pat the spot next to me. You sit down.

"Do you remember this place, Dan?"

You concentrate your brown eyes on the ground. "It was where we had our first kiss..." you mumble.

You remember.

 

And if you have a minute why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know? 

I had taken you here by surprise- I think you were happy about it, though, judging by what looked like a hint of a smile on your face.

I took you to a place where we could be alone, to a place no one but us knows about. 

So we can talk.

Because I don't want us to end, Dan.

Please.

 

Oh simple thing where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin 

"Dan," I begin. "Dan, please talk to me. Please let me in. It's been a year since we last talked- really talked. What's wrong? Please, just let me. Tell me what happened."

You look at me- thoughtfully, not angrily like you usually do. 

"I-I don't know how to explain it, Phil." 

At least you don't yell. We're getting somewhere.

"It's just that-" and you start crying.

Sobbing.

Wailing.

I scoot over and hold you, allowing you cry into my shoulder. I rub your back, kissing you on the top of your head. You try to speak, but all that comes out is gibberish and mumbles.

"I juft-" sob, "I ha-" another sob. Difficulty breathing, followed by the hiccuping noises people make when they cry hard. 

"Hush, Dan. You don't have to talk right this second. We'll talk when you calm down a bit."

 

And if you have a minute why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go?  
So why don't we go? 

An hour passes, and I finally understand why you're crying, and what you're trying to say.

"I hate myself, Phil. Everything about myself. I don't know why or how it started. I don't know what brought it on."

You showed me the red marks all up and down your arms. Your legs. Your stomach. And I cried, and held you closer. 

My precious Dan.

My bear. 

Why would you hurt yourself like this?

But finally now I know.

I can work with you.

I can bring the light back.

My Dan back.

I kiss you softly. "I love you, Dan. Thank you, for telling me."

"I love you, too, Phil."


	8. Howell Defense Squad

~This was written at the request of a friend, the prompt was: Dan getting hurt and Phil thinking he was trying to hurt himself? Turning Phil into the Howell Defence Squad, or a mother of some sorts. Enjoy~

Cat cafes. I love cat cafes- whoever came up with the idea for these wonderful places should get an award, because I really like cats, dammit. And Phil and I can't have any pets due to our lease agreement, so I content myself with the cafes.

I had gone with Connor and Louise, who were in London for Summer In The City. Phil had wanted to come along, but his allergies were already giving him problems, and he didn't want to deal with the cats, as well.

I had eyed a small orange tabby from the time we had walked in. It was sitting in the corner, by itself, hissing at any other cat who came near it.

It reminded me of myself. 

I went over to go and pet it, kneeling down a bit, when before I knew it, the kitten had unleashed its little claws and gave me a deep scratch on my forearm. 

"What the fuck, cat? All I wanted to do was pet you." I got up and walked away, thinking to myself, this cat is my spirit animal.

I went to the bathroom, wiping the blood off of my arm, drying it, and rejoining Louise and Connor. We stayed at the cafe for about a half hour more, before we parted ways and I went back to the flat.

I walked up the stairs of our flat, yelling for Phil. "Phil! I'm back!" 

I heard him running to greet me, and he was about to pull me into a hug when he stopped and grabbed my arm.

"Dan, what is this?"

I shrugged. "It's nothing."

Phil raised an eyebrow. "Nothing? That's a deep cut, Dan. It's not nothing."

I sighed. "Oh my God, Phil. I got scratched by a cat, calm down."

"A cat scratch is not that deep."

When Phil and I had first met, I was self-harming pretty bad, and Phil had been the one to help me through it. He was always worried whenever I had any kind of mark or cut or scratch on me. He turned into a momma bear. 

I grabbed my arm from Phil's grip. "It was a cat, okay? Why do you think I would hurt myself again?!" 

"I'm here to protect you, Dan!" Phil yelled back.

"I'm 24, almost 25, Phil! I don't need you to protect me! Last I checked, the role of best friend and boyfriend didn't include the role of protector!"

"But I love you, Dan! I want to make sure you're safe! I-"

"OH MY GOD, PHIL. BACK OFF OF MY LIFE. I'M FINE!" I screamed before going to my room and slamming the door.

I couldn't suppress the guilt I felt when I saw Phil's eyes filling with tears. I shouldn't have yelled, I know I shouldn't have. Phil's just trying to make sure I'm okay, he's just worried about me.

Well, he shouldn't worry. I'm 24, I can take care of myself I told myself. 

But Dan, you would do the same if the roles were reversed, I told myself. 

So, go apologize for being a little shit, I told myself. 

I got up and went across the hall to Phil's room- I had heard his door slam seconds after I slammed my own.

"Phil? Lion, can I come in?"

"Why? So you can keep telling me to back off of your life? So you can tell me that you don't need me?" 

That hurt.

"Philly? Please let me in."

I heard him get off of his bed, and open the door. I could tell Phil had been crying- his eyes were red, as well as the tip of his nose. "What?"

I pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Phil. I had no reason to. I love you, and I know you just want to help. I would do the same if the roles were reversed."

Phil responded with sniffles and a muffled, "It's okay."

I held him for a while longer, rubbing his back, running my hand through his hair. 

"But Phil," I said after a couple minutes.

"Yeah?"

"It really was a cat, I promise."

"I believe you, Dan. But you do realize that if you ever hurt yourself ever again, I'll be so mad at you."

I laughed. "That's why I call you Lion. Fiercely protective."


	9. Afraid- based off of I Still See You

This one is based off on the song "Afraid" by The Neighbourhood. Enjoy ^^

 

All my friends always lie to me  
I know they're thinking

You're too mean, I don't like you, fuck you anyway  
You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs  
It hurts but I won't fight you  
You suck anyway  
You make me wanna die

There are times when I don't feel accepted. No matter how much Phil tells me he loves me. No matter how much Louise, Chris, and PJ tell me that they are my friends, always here for me. Sometimes I don't believe it, the voices in my head, they tell me that I am nothing. That the things my friends think about me, aren't what they say.

I sometimes become mean when the voices talk to me in the negative way, and I can't combat it. I'm afraid that my friends can't take it. That I'm too cruel. 

Maybe they don't like me. Maybe they just humor me, maybe they make fun of me behind my back. Of course they do, you idiot. No one likes you. I tell the voice to leave me alone.

That I frustrate them with my constant hallucinations, my neediness because of them. They want to scream at me to stop, to just stop seeing the things I do. That they want to quit being my friends. That Phil wants to leave me, alone. But he feels like he can't.

The worst, thing, though, is when I'm told that I make Phil's living a complete hell. That even death would be better than dealing with me. That's when it gets unbearable. When I cry, when I scream, because I want to block out the voices. 

 

When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place  
When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might end up being me 

Sometimes when I go to bed, and Phil comforts me and helps me fall asleep, I'm afraid that when I wake up, he'll be gone. That he'll find someone to love, to care for, and that person won't be me. That my place as Phil's best friend and boyfriend will be gone. 

Out of everything, that is my worse fear. Even worse than the thought of Phil hating life with me.

 

Keep on dreaming, don't stop giving, fight those demons  
Sell your soul, not your whole self  
If they see you when you're sleeping, make them leave it  
And I can't even see if it's all there anymore so 

I fight it the best I possibly can. I try to combat the cruel voices I hear with Phil's voice. When I see things that can't possibly be real, I try to convince myself, but it's so hard. It all just looks so real, it's almost impossible to tell the difference.

I can't tell the difference between reality the world my brain creates. The things I sometimes see. I can't tell if anything I see is real.

 

Being me can only mean  
Feeling scared to breathe  
If you leave me then I'll be afraid of everything  
That makes me anxious, gives me patience, calms me down  
Lets me face this, let me sleep, and when I wake up  
Let me breathe 

Being me, being Daniel Howell, is a terrifying thing. I am sometimes afraid to wake up. I'm afraid I'll wake up alone. I'm afraid of what I may see that day.

If Phil ever left me, I would never be able to face life. 

The fears I have would consume me without Phil to chase away the dark.

But knowing that I have Phil there to help me, to chase away everything I hear and see, it makes me anxious that he may get fed up. It calms me, that Phil will always be here for me, because I know that he won't leave, but it's sometimes hard to believe. It's usually hard to believe. Having Phil here gives me the courage to face this illness, this schizophrenia.

He allows me to be able to fall asleep at night, when I am at my worst.

He allows me to feel okay when I wake up. That I can breathe, and that maybe everything I see is real.

 

When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place  
When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might end up being me 

Phil, don't ever leave me.

Phil, don't ever replace me.

Phil, don't let someone else be your Dan.

Your best friend.

Your boyfriend.

And I promise, that as long as you live, I won't replace you, either. 

Give me the strength to face this. 

Let me know, that I don't have to be afraid.


	10. Lost Boy- Phil's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. I heard it on the radio yesterday and LOVED IT and I knew I had to write a one shot. Enjoy~

There was a time when I was alone  
Nowhere to go and no place to call home  
My only friend was the man in the moon  
And even sometimes he would go away, too 

There was a time, before I met Dan, when I was alone. I had no real friends, no job, no home. I would just crash at the flats of my "friends" until the next morning. When I would find a new person to mooch off of. 

The "friends" I had would get annoyed with me easily. They would abandon me, and tell me that I was too much. 

A lot of nights I would have to sleep in a park somewhere, staring up at the London sky. The stars it seemed were the only company I had. I liked to think it was like Lion King, that the stars were people. Like I was being watched over.

But sometimes even the stars were blocked from my sight.

And I was completely alone again.

 

Then one night, as I closed my eyes,  
I saw a shadow flying high  
He came to me with the sweetest smile  
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile  
He said, "Peter Pan. That's what they call me.  
I promise that you'll never be lonely."  
And ever since that day... 

One night I was laying on a bench, the one blanket I owned wrapped around me, in a desperate attempt to block out the cold winter weather. The stars were blocked by the clouds. Loneliness was settling in.

That's when I saw a shadow standing over me. I was scared of who or what it could be. Instead of the monster I was afraid it would be, I was greeted with soft brown eyes and a sweet smile.

"Hi, I'm Dan." You said. 

I sat up. "I'm Phil."

"I see you out here alone a lot," Dan had said. "How come?"

I was surprised- he seemed genuinely concerned. "I, uh, I don't have anywhere to live."

"Why not?"

"My parents kicked me out when I turned 18 eight months ago, and I don't have a job or any money."

Dan continued talking to me for the next hour. He finally got up and help out his hand to me. "I live by myself in a flat. Wanna come and stay the night? It's really cold outside; you could get sick."

"A-are you sure? I wouldn't want to a burden."

Dan laughed. "Don't be ridiculous- of course I'm sure! Now come on, Phil!" 

I stayed with him for a week, before telling Dan that I was overstaying my welcome, and I should leave. He put his hand on my shoulder. "No, Phil. You should stay. I'm alone here, and I've always hated it; I've been wanting a flat mate."

I thought about it. It would mean that I wouldn't be alone again. I also really liked Dan, so I agreed. 

 

I am a lost boy from Neverland  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy, " they say to me,  
"Away from all of reality." 

Being with Dan is like being in Neverland. I'm always happy with him, I feel like a little kid with him. I feel like I've escaped from the horrible reality I had before he found me. 

"Run, run, lost boy," my thoughts tell me. "Away from all of reality." Run from the reality your life was before Dan. Escape into the wonderful new life you have. Forget everything prior to it.

 

Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free 

I am finally free. Free from reality. 

 

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe  
Believe in him and believe in me  
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green  
To your beautiful destiny  
As we soared above the town that never loved me  
I realized I finally had a family  
Soon enough we reached Neverland  
Peacefully my feet hit the sand  
And ever since that day... 

I had never thought I was good for anything. That's what I had been told my entire life;

"God, Phil! You're such a failure!" My dad would yell at me.

"You're such a good for nothing burden! I wish I would have never had you!" my mom would scream.

"What a useless human, no one even likes you." The kids at school would say.

"I can't believe you don't understand this, Phil. It's so simple." My teachers would sigh.

"You will never become anything in life, Phil. So stop trying." I said to myself.

I said this to Dan one day, when he was asking me what I wanted to do in life; Dan had said that he had been studying law, but gave up because it wasn't "him."

Dan looked at me sadly and pulled me into a hug. "But Phil," he said. "I know you can accomplish something great in your life! Believe in yourself, because you are incredible."

"And I'll help you believe, Phil. Believe in me, too."

I ended up getting a job at Tesco's, and started paying for our groceries as my rent, as Dan wouldn't let me pay rent.

One month.

Two months.

Six months.

One year.

The time that passed while I lived with Dan. 

I realized one day that someone, for the first time in my life, actually cared for me.

Loved me.

I was loved.

 

I am a lost boy from Neverland  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy, " they say to me,  
"Away from all of reality." 

Dan and I were each other's worlds. 

It seemed like I was always running from the depression and the feeling of worthlessness that was chasing me. Always running, never resting. Never slowing down, because if I did, I would be overtaken.

So I never stopped running away from the darkness pursuing me.

I told Dan about this, about how I felt, and he told me, "Keep on running, Phil. And I'll help you, I pull you along when you feel you can't run anymore."

 

Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free 

I am a lost boy. 

And I am free.

 

Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling,  
Even Captain Hook.  
You are my perfect story book  
Neverland, I love you so,  
You are now my home sweet home  
Forever a lost boy at last 

All of this life I have now, with Dan, it's perfection. I feel like for the first time in my life that I'm actually alive. Even the depression chasing me, it adds to the reality of it all. 

Dan, this new life, the flat even, I love it so much.

And I say it every single day.

This flat in London with Dan is more of a home than I've ever had.

 

Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free 

Forever free with you, Dan.

Finally.

And forever.


	11. Already Gone- Phil's POV

~This one-shot is based off of the song "Already Gone" by Sleeping At Last (oh, I just learned it's a cover of Kelly Clarkson's song, but I love this guys voice). Great band, I highly recommend. I hope you enjoy it~

 

Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all the memories they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye  
Even with our fists held high  
It never would have worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die

Dan, do you remember when we first got together? The hopes and dreams we had, all the good times we had? Our plans for the future?

It almost hurts to remember it all.

We've so hard to make it work out, but I guess we just aren't meant to be. No matter how much we fight for our love, for each other, it won't have work out. We just- we aren't made for each other like we had thought.

Like our fans think.

 

I didn't want us to burn out, I  
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop 

I never wanted this to happen. I don't want us to end. I wish we could stay together, and I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know how to say this without hurting you.

 

I want you to know  
It doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
But someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone 

Whatever happens in our life after this, I guess it doesn't matter much, because our lives will no longer be intertwined. Whether we continue YouTube or not, or get real jobs, or whatever it is we decide to do.

Our fighting's gotten to be too much, Dan. The constant arguing and nagging, the angry words and slammed doors. The tears and empty apologies we're both guilty of. Something's gotta change. It's been needing to change. 

So I'll change. I have to go, because it's what best for both of us.

Dan, all the anger and fighting aside, you are perfect. It's nothing you specifically have done- it's been both of us. You couldn't have loved me differently or "better" to make me stay, I promise. 

But I want to to find someone you can do better with, who you can get along with and have only minimal fights with. 

I want you to move on, and find someone, Dan.

So, I'm leaving; I'm gone. 

 

Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
Doesn't always make you want to cry  
It started with the perfect kiss then  
We could feel the poison set in  
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

Before I left, I woke up next to you, and I gave you one last look. I wanted to burst into tears and stay, but I knew that it wouldn't be the best for us. 

I took another look at your peaceful sleep when I walked out of our room, suitcase full. I know that you'll find someone else, who doesn't yell back and make you cry. 

Do you remember our first kiss? The first Phil is Not On Fire, I tackled you to the ground at the very end. We were fine for a year or so before the poison came in and began to slowly kill what we had. Nothing can revive what we had. 

 

Know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go 

I love you, Dan. I love you so much. So much so, that I have to let you go. Like the bird who has to let the nestlings go, I have to let you fly away and find better, true love.

I love you enough that I won't be selfish and keep you miserable forever.

 

I want you to know  
It doesn't matter  
Where we take this road  
But someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I'm already gone  
So I'm already gone 

Whatever happens in your life and mine, it's going to be okay, I promise.

We'll learn to live without each other. 

And maybe after enough time has passed, we can call each other and talk through things. Be friends again. 

Until then, though, I have to disappear out of your life altogether, for the best. I have only the best in mind, Dan. You've loved me perfectly, but you need to move on. Love someone who's worth that perfect love you give.

 

Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all the memories they're haunted

 

The plans we had, I guess they weren't meant to be. 

I'll always have good memories, Dan. Even though some of them may be tainted by the sickness we let set in.

 

We were always meant to say g o o d b y e . . . 

 

Goodbye, Daniel. I'm sorry it couldn't have worked out. I love you,

 

-Phil

 

Dan's POV

I wake up to a bed void of Phil. Confused, I get up, looking for him. 

I enter the kitchen, and see a piece of paper on the counter. I pick it up and read it through; a note from Phil.

 

We were always meant to say goodbye 

I cry, seeing these words, this letter.

 

So I'm already gone...


	12. Bosco- Dan's POV

~This one is based off of the song "Bosco" by Placebo. Great song, 10/10 I recommend. Enjoy (I'm also going to start putting a video with the song in the chapters so you can listen to it while reading- I think it might improve the reading experience, lol)~

I love you more than any man, but something's getting in the way.  
I do you harm because I can for the second time today. 

I love you, Phil. And you know that. I know you know that. But it just seems like lately, something's coming in between that.

I hit you. Again. Twice in one day, what am I becoming? What monster is living inside of me that I would hurt you, my light, my love? 

 

Victims we are not of happenstance, but you're a victim all the same.  
Stuck inside a circumstance with your confusion and your blame. 

I'm sorry that you're a victim of my anger, but I don't know how to control it. You're stuck here with me, with the monster I have become. 

I hear you crying in your room sometimes, Phil. I hear you crying, confused as to why I would hurt you. Asking yourself if it was your fault. Convincing yourself that it has to be you. 

It isn't your fault, Phil. It's all me, but I can't control it sometimes. I never can. At least, that's what I say when I'm sober enough to think.

 

And when I get drunk, you take me home and keep me safe from harm.  
When I get drunk, you take me home. 

I stumbled out from a bar again, afraid. I had spilled my beer on a man who was more drunk than I was, and he was threatening me. 

I fumbled with my phone, barely managing to call you, crying. "Phil, there's a man and he wants to hurt me. Phil, come get me. Please." I slurred to you- I'm not even sure how you understood what I was saying between the slurred words and crying.

"Okay, okay, Dan. Calm down, babe. Where are you?" You said calmly.

I told you the name of the bar, and I waited, hoping that I wouldn't get attacked while you were waiting. I finally saw the headlights of our car coming, and you parked, getting out of the car to help me into the passenger seat. 

"T-thank you, Phil." I slurred. You just sighed and drove home. You seemed tired, but I was to drunk to know.

Or care.

When we get back to the flat, you help me up the stairs, and give me a glass of water a piece of bread to eat- my usual routine after I drink. 

When you went to bed, I crawled into your room after you. "I'm scared of the man who threatened me." I whispered.

"He's not going to come here, Dan."

"I'm still scared."

You cuddled with me, and protected me from the monsters I thought were going to come for me, but in reality, I was the only monster.

 

I ask you for another second chance, but then I drink it all away.  
And I get bellicose when you react full of frustration and dismay. 

The day after I had hurt you multiple times, you yelled at me, telling me that I had to pull myself together. 

"Please, Philly," I begged. "Another chance, please?" Even though you had given me chance after chance, you gave in. 

Said you would stay with me, giving me a second chance.

The next night I went out to drink again. When I came stumbling home at 3 A.M., you were waiting up for me, tears running down your face.

"Where the hell were you, Dan?!" You screamed. "I was so worried about you! I gave you another chance! You said you would change!"

Anger welled up within me, and I shoved you to the ground. "Shut up!" I roared. "You have no right to tell me what to do!"

You looked up at me from the floor, and I could see a bruise that I had left on your stomach. For a second I regained my sanity, but then it faded.

"Fine!" You yelled back. "I'm done! I'm leaving, I can't do it anymore!"

I grabbed your wrist as you tried to get up. "No." I said quietly. "You are not leaving. Ever."

All you did was nod.

 

I was so delicate when we began, so tender when I spoke your name.  
But now I'm nothing but a partisan to my compulsion and my shame. 

Do you remember when we first met? When we first got together? I was so different then, Phil. Much quieter, less angry. I loved you more than to hurt you.

Now, I'm not that person. I don't know where that Dan went. I'm nothing, now. I am enslaved to the shame I feel at what I've done.

To the compulsiveness of the moment. 

I can't stop, Phil. I feel shame at how I've hurt you. Then I drink away the shame. Then I hurt you again. I feel the shame. And the cycle continues over and over again.

 

And when I get drunk, you take me home and keep me safe from harm.  
When I get drunk, you take me home. 

You keep me safe, Phil. 

Despite how much I hurt you, you still come and pick me up.

You help me stumble up the stairs.

You cuddle me and hold me, keeping me safe.

In reality, you should be keeping yourself safe from me.

 

You know, I'm grateful, I appreciate.  
But in fact, it's baleful how I suck you dry. 

I'm so grateful for you, Phil. The fact that you put up with me and you don't leave me alone, I appreciate you for that. 

It's awful, though, the way I am.

I suck all of the life out of you, Philly.

I see it. Your blue eyes, once full of light, happiness and life.

Dead.

Dull.

Gone.

 

I love you more than any man, but I seem to lay it all to waste.  
I do you harm because I can with a joke in questionable taste. 

I don't think you know how much I love you anymore. I think you only stay with me because you're afraid of what I would do if you left.

We were out with some friends one night, at a party, and I had one too many beers. 

I made an embarrassing joke about you in front of them.

Not a funny, embarrassing.

It was awful.

You were mad.

Everyone felt awkward.

Just another way I hurt you.

 

I've such duplicity at my command, so I keep on lying to your face,  
Then I run away to wonderland, and disappear without trace. 

I keep telling you that I'll change, and you keep believing me. 

I don't think I'll ever change. 

I keep saying I'll stop drinking.

I don't think I ever will.

Sometimes I'll go off for days at a time. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. You won't hear from me for days, one time even a week, on end. 

But I always come crawling back, like the animal I am.

 

And when I get drunk, you take me home and keep me safe from harm.  
When I get drunk, you take me home. 

You still take me in.

Why?

You still love me.

Why?

You still hold me close.

Why?

 

You know, I'm grateful, I appreciate..  
But, in fact, it's baleful how I suck you dry. 

I've taken all of the joy and life and light and happiness from you.

I'm sorry, Phil.

It's horrible of me. 

I can't believe myself. 

So today, I'm done with it all. You will never have to deal with me again.

I walk to London bridge. I look at the waters beneath me, ignoring the cars behind me. 

I put on leg over the side.

Then the other.

I let gravity pull me. 

I can't turn back now. 

My last words.

"I'M SORRY, PHIL!" I scream.

I hear a scream behind me. 

"DAN!"

I see the water coming at me, and then...

 

Wow, that was awful. I'm sorry.


	13. Autumn Leaves- Phil's POV

~This one shot is based off of the song "Autumn Leaves" by Ed Sheeran- it's such a hidden gem of his! Enjoy~

Another day, another life  
Passes by just like mine  
It's not complicated

 

I sit on the train, watching the scenery pass by as I ride from Edinburgh, Scotland back home to London. As I look out the window, I see people in the distance tending sheep. I also see the setting sun as the train goes on and on on the tracks stretched out in front of us.

Another day ending.

Another person living their life.

It shouldn't be a complicated idea, but it is. 

 

Another mind, another soul  
Another body to grow old  
It's not complicated 

 

When the setting suns begins to hurt my eyes, I turn and look at the people around me. I'm a writer, so I often like to observe people, how they act, to help me create characters that are more real. 

Across the row from me, I see a younger man. He looks like he's maybe 20, 21 and in university. He busily types away on his laptop- maybe he's writing up a thesis? 

I should be making a note of him in my mind, but I don't. 

He's just another intelligent mind in the world.

He's just another soul, another life, who will one day forget this train ride and grow old. 

It shouldn't be a complicated idea, but it is. 

 

Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?  
Float down  
Like autumn leaves  
And hush now  
Close your eyes before the sleep  
And you're miles away  
And yesterday you were here with me

 

The train makes another stop, and I look out at the now night sky. I remember when we used to look at the stars together. When, in secondary school, I would sneak to your house at midnight, and we would sit on your roof, watching the stars, and talking about anything and everything. Trying to solve our problems and figure out what our lives would become.

Just us. Dan and Phil against the world.

Funny, how even though we're no longer in the town we grew up in, these stars in Scotland are the same ones we would stare up at from your parents' house in England. 

"These stars are just for us, Phil," you would say. "They shine just to remind us that we're not alone."

It was two years ago, in Autumn, when it happened. 

The heart disease, which came so suddenly, only 24 when it happened. I remember sitting with you in the hospital, both of us crying.

"I'm scared, Phil," you whispered.

"Me too," I said. You kept trying to speak, but your strength was fading. "Hush, Dan. You don't have to speak, I know everything you want to say, without you having to say it."

You just nodded, and I took your hand. You looked at me, your brown eyes filled with fear- you were so afraid of dying.

"Just close your eyes, Dan." I whispered. "Just, pretend you're going to sleep. You close your eyes before sleep, Dan."

And it seemed like moments later, you were miles and miles away. Your soul, what made you Dan Howell, was gone.

And now two years to the day, it feels like yesterday you were here with me.

 

Another tear, another cry  
Another place for us to die  
It's not complicated 

 

I allow myself silent tears as the train finishes its stop, and we get going again. We pass by a cemetery, and I remember your own grave. 

More tears slip down my face.

Another time I've cried over you.

It shouldn't be a complicated idea, but it is. 

 

Another love that's gone to waste  
Another light lost from your face  
It's complicated 

 

Someone I loved, lost. The light, gone from your face, never to return.

It is complicated, and I don't understand why.

 

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?  
Float down  
Like autumn leaves  
And hush now  
Close your eyes before the sleep  
And you're miles away  
And yesterday you were here with me 

 

I close my eyes, and hear owl making their noises from the open train door- another damn stop. I remember the sound of owls as one of your favorite noises, for whatever reason. You always did an impression of them when we were little.

I pick up the leaf I have in my lap and twirl it in my fingers- a giant, red, autumn leaf that I watched float down from a tree in Edinburgh.

I remember watching your chest start rising slower and slower until

it stopped.

Your beautiful eyes closed, never to open again. And I thought of the words I'd never had the courage to say.

"I love you. I'm in love with you."

I think of the question I never had the courage to ask.

"Do you love me? Are you in love with me, too?"

But you were too far away to ask that question.

And the day before, you were alive.

 

Ooh how I miss you  
My symphony played the song that carried you out  
Ooh how I miss you  
And I, I miss you and I wish you'd stay 

There's a young girl sitting in the seat next to mine now. She has earbuds in, but her music is playing really loud, and I get a hint of the song.

You're favorite song. The one they played at your funeral.

God, I miss you, Dan.

On the day of the funeral, I stopped at the open casket. "I miss you, Dan, and it's only been a couple days. I- I wish you could've stayed here. The world needs you in it, but it no longer gets to be blessed with your presence." 

 

Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?  
Float down  
Like autumn leaves  
And hush now  
Close your eyes before the sleep  
And you're miles away  
And yesterday you were here with me

 

Finally, we arrive in London. I get up and, grabbing my bags, I walk off the train into my home city. When I get home, I go out onto the balcony and watch the stars shine in the sky.

"Me against the world, Dan. Why can't it be you and me against the world, like it used to be?" I whispered.

I watch as a leaf falls from a tree just outside of my apartment building. 

After a half hour, I go inside and collapse into bed. 

I close my eyes, thinking of you. Of how far away you are.

And how yesterday, it seems, you were in the next room over.

 

Touch down  
Like a seven four seven  
Stay out and we'll live forever now 

 

I finally allow exhaustion to overtake me, but my memory holds onto you, even in my subconscious. My dreams are filled with you.

You hold out your hand to me, and I take it, just like I had always wanted to do. 

We were walking among the stars.

You smiled at me, your sweet smile, with your dimples.

"We can live here, forever, Phil."


End file.
